to bathe a Maine Coon
I know, you are thinking soap, water, hockey mask, chain mail, and gloves
right? Eh. there is a little more to it than that. You see Maine Coon
cats have exceedingly fine dense fur and a LOT of oil glands to go with
it. As a result, the fur is dang near impermeable to water. Washing them
adequately using just soap and water is an exercise in frustration (not
to mention death by a thousand cat scratches). Therefore more extreme
measures must be taken.
Here are the supplies you will need:
1 jar original Goop hand cleaner
1 bottle of original ivory liquid dishwashing soap
1 gallon jug of white vinegar
1 bottle pet shampoo/baby shampoo
1 curry comb, waterproof
Optional equipment as needed:
personal protective equipment as required (gloves, chain mail, hockey
sedatives (feline and/or human) as required.
plenty of gauze and turniquets as needed to staunch the flow of blood.
Using the curry comb, brush the cat thoroughly to get as much loose hair
as possible off. You may find that your cat may undergo an incomplete
form of mitosis during this procedure, resulting in copious quantities
of excess hair, often enough to make another whole entire cat, while
not actually loosing any of her own. This is normal and expected. It
is impossible to do this too much or too long, as the cat will continue
to generate hair as long as you continue to brush. At no point will the
cat go bald. this is a physical impossibility. The only exception to
this is if instead of brushing you shave the cat. While doing so will
certainly assist in the washing of said feline, it is rather embarrassing
for the cat (and possibly dangerous for you). This certainly would fall
under an alternative process category however.
After the excess hair is disposed of properly and the garbage trucks
are on thier way to the landfill, or perhaps the clothing manufacturer,
slather the cat liberally with Goop. Rub it in thoroughly in order to
help loosen and dissolve the vast quantities of oil that the cat hair
has absorbed. Scientists are currently studying means to exploit these
oil deposits for use as motor fuel. However, current extraction methods
tend to be rather hard on the cat and results in oil contaminated with
vast quantities of fur and crushed cat guts and blood. And unfortunately
results in a non-renewable resource as the cat gets pureed in the process.
While Goop is non-toxic, it might be best if you can prevent your cat
from attempting to lick themselves while this process takes place. Also
try to keep the Goop out of thier eyes.
Rinse the Goop off the cat and then lather the cat up with the Ivory
Dish Washing Detergent. While the cat is lathered up, curry comb the
cat again to remove as much hair as possible. Make sure you have a strainer
over the drain to prevent massive greasy furballs from hopelessly clogging
the sewage system. Your MUD district/Public Works Department will thank
you as will your neighbors.
Rinse the cat using a 50/50 mix of white vinegar and water. Ensure you
keep the vinegar out of the cat's eyes unless you just like the feeling
of having your flesh flayed by a very irate cat.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat using the baby shampoo/pet shampoo. Your feline
is now soaking wet but clean. Use several large absorbant towels to both
protect you from claw marks and dry the cat. Did I mention that Maine
Coon Cats have very absorbant thick dense fur? Be prepared to work at
this for some length of time, and even then, your cat may look like a
very large and bloated drowned wharf rat, especially when your cat is
as fat a mine is, (with a furry tail) for several hours afterwards.
Good luck and godspeed.....