Rules For Cats.
** DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To
get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with
forepaws. Once door is opened, it
is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door
opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This
is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito
season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
** CHAIRS and RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
** BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary
to do anything -- just sit and stare.
** HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close
activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This
is called "helping",
otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped
on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,
unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil
or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember,
the aim is to hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what
the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes
or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly
from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around
on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the
table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure
to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
** WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something
in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.
This will help their coordination skills.
** BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
** PLAY: This is an important part of your life. Get enough
sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal
games. Below are listed
several favorite cat games that you can play. It is important though
to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident
during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of
your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools those
humans every time.
"Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under
the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice,
rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat
has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious
attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other
cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which
must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game
allows for the development of unusual tactics, as one must take the unstable
playing theater into account.
WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion
from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens
to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of
** TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate
it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look
suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable
sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several
types of cat toys.
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so
that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally
good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains,
and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans
who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string
is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug
Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are
sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.
** PAPER BAGS: Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and
camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see.
But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry
around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can
be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting
for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result
in a great Tag match.
FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must
eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting
the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are
starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The
following are guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail
in their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough
to drink from.
d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite
to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually
not be so polite and try to leave.
e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg
outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several
techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist.
These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap
of the "softest" human
and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room
and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as
they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
** SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing,
a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find
a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good,
especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the
better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages
of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions
such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
** SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post
the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is
their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening
your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't
help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees
are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!
** HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us,
to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter
box. It is important
to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget
who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They
can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have
a smooth-running household.)