To Calm A Cat In Heat (Not
for the squeamish or humorless)
1. Grab wailing, squirming cat and place it on your lap with its hind quarters
readily accessible. Chances are the cat will freely offer them, if not the first
time this procedure is followed, then certainly each time afterward.
2. Insert the Q-tip into the cat's vagina. It will be exposed and puffy. Do not
insert the Q-tip into the other orifice. Either way the cat will begin to scream,
but there is a subtle and audible difference in the scream of satisfaction and
the scream of rectal pain. Experiment a little until you can distinguish the
3. Move the Q-tip in and out of the cat's vagina slowly at first, then more rapidly.
No need to be gentle, no matter what you do with the Q-tip it beats a barbed
cat penis digging around in there.
4. You are finished when the cat is finished. You will know when the cat is finished
because it will either begin immediately to have a cat orgasm, or it will run
away with the Q-tip sticking out of its ass. If this happens let it enjoy itself
for a few minutes before attempting to retrieve your Q-tip.
5. That is it, you are done. Enjoy the peace and quiet until the cat flares up
What to look for: The cat orgasm that follows this procedure is something the
likes of which I have never seen elsewhere. It is a wriggling, leaping, moaning
dance of ecstasy that defies any experience of pleasure my mind can even begin
to grasp. If humans had orgasms with the intensity of a cat serviced in this
way there would be no such thing as war, hunger, capitalism or God.
Background: A cat in heat is, with few exceptions, one of the most irritating
things to have living in your home. A cat in heat will follow you around and
howl at you in a bone chilling, hideous wail until you are ready just to toss
it outside and let it get pounded by the local tom's. After a few days of this
torture having to drown a few kittens sounds relaxing. This cat-saving technique
was first demonstrated to me by a terminally un-squeemish roomate of years past.