"Catch Mouse": The humans would have you believe that those lumps under
the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice,
rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat
has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious
attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
" King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other
cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which
must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game
allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing
theater into account.
WARNING: Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion
from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens
to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of
** TOYS: Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate
it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look
suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable
sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are several
types of cat toys.
Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden so
that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally
good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains,
and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans
who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string
is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug
Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are
sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity.
** PAPER BAGS: within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and
camouflaged to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see.
But you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry
around the bag. Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can
be done to kill them. Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting
for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result
in a great Tag match.
** FOOD: In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat
must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting
the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are
starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself.
The following are guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail
in their dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough
to drink from.
d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite
to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent--your food will usually not
be so polite and try to leave.
e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately
unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg
outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several
techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist.
These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human
and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room
and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as
they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.
** SLEEPING: As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing,
a cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find
a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good,
especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the
better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages
of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions
such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
** SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use any scratching post
the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is
their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening
your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't
help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees
are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!
** HUMANS: Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with
and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important
to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget
who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They
can be taught if you start early and are consistent.