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cat phone

- Author Unknown, but much appreciated.

Hello: You have reached ___-____, Tender Hearts Rescue. Due to the
high volume of calls we have been receiving, please listen closely to
the following options and choose the one that best describes you or
your situation:
Press 1 if you have a 10-year-old cat and your 15-year-old son has
suddenly become allergic and you need to find the cat a new home
right away.
Press 2 if you are moving today and need to immediately place your
8-year-old cat.
Press 3 if you have three
cat, had a baby and want to get rid of
your cats because you are the only person in the world to have a
baby and cats at the same time.
Press 4 if you just got a brand new kitten and your old cat is having
problems adjusting so you want to get rid of the old one right away.
Press 5 if your little kitten has grown up and is no longer small and
cute and you want to trade it in for a new model.

Press 6 if you want an unpaid volunteer to come to your home TODAY
and pick up the cat you no longer want.
Press 7 if you have been feeding and caring for a "stray" for the
last three years, are moving and suddenly determine it's not your
Press 8 if your cat is sick and needs a vet but you need the money
for your vacation.
Press 9 if you are elderly and want to adopt a cute kitten who is not
active and is going to outlive you.
Press 10 if your relative has died and you don't want to care for
their elderly cat because it doesn't fit your lifestyle.
Press 14 if you are calling at 6 a.m. to make sure you wake me up
before I have to go to work so you can drop a cat off on your way
to work.
Press 15 to leave us an anonymous garbled message, letting us know
you have left a cat in our yard in the middle of January, which is
in fact, better than just leaving the dog with no message.
Press 16 if you are going to get angry because we are not going to
take your cat that you have had for fifteen years, because it is
not our responsibility.
Press 17 if you are going to threaten to take your ten year old cat
to be euthanized because I won't take it.
Press 18 if you're going to get angry because the volunteers had the
audacity to go on vacation and leave the cats in care of a trusted
volunteer who is not authorized to take your personal pet.
Press 19 if you want one of our PERFECTLY trained, housebroken, kid
friendly cats that we have an abundance of.
Press 20 if you want us to take your cat that has a slight
aggression problem, i.e. has only bitten a few people.
Press 21 if you have already called once and been told we don't take
personal surrenders but thought you would get a different person this
time with a different answer.
Press 22 if you want us to use space that would go to a stray to
board your personal cat while you are on vacation, free of charge,
of course.
Press 23 if it is Christmas Eve or Easter morning and you want me to
deliver an eight week old kitten to your house by 6:30 am before
your kids wake up.
Press 24 if you have bought your children a duckling, chick or baby
bunny for Easter and it is now Christmas and no longer cute.
Press 25 if you want us to take your female cat who has already had
ten litters, but we can't spay her because she is pregnant again and
it is against your religion.
Press 26 if you're lying to make one of our younger volunteers feel
bad and take your cat off your hands.
Press 27 if your cat is biting and not using the litter box because
it is declawed, but you are not willing to accept the responsibility
that the cat's behavior is altered because of your nice furniture.
Press 28 if your two year old male cat is marking all over your house
but you just haven't gotten around to having him neutered.
Press 29 if you previously had an outdoor only cat and are calling
because she is suddenly pregnant.
Press 30 if you have done "everything" to housebreak your cat and
have had no success but you don't want to cage the cat because it
is cruel.
Press 31 if you didn't listen to the message asking for an evening
phone number and you left your work number when all volunteers are
also working and you are angry because no one called you back.
Press 32 if you need a kitten immediately and cannot wait because
today is your daughter's birthday and you forgot when she was born.
Press 33 if your cat's coat doesn't match your new furniture and you
need a different color or breed.
Press 34 if your new love doesn't like your cat and you are too
stupid to get rid of the new friend (who will dump you in the next
month anyway) instead of the cat.
Press 35 if you went through all these 'options' and didn't hear
enough. This press will connect you to the sounds of tears being
shed by one of our volunteers who is holding a discarded old cat
while the vet mercifully frees him from the grief of missing his

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