To Give a Cat A Pill
cat as if holding a baby. Gently apply pressure
to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop in the pill.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat process.
Retrieve cat from bedroom. Take new pill, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly. Force open the jaws and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse. Kneel
on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, force
wooden ruler into mouth, drop pill down ruler.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill. Make note to repair
curtains. Sweep up broken vase. Wrap cat in towel. Put pill in one end
of drinking straw,
force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down straw.
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer
away taste of pill. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood
Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
Fetch screwdriver from garage and replace cupboard door. Drink another beer.
Apply cold compress to cheek. Throw away T-shirt and fetch another from bedroom.
Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree. Take last pill. Tie the
front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat.
Get spouse to drive you to HRI. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on
the way home to order new dining table.
How to Give a Dog a Pill: Wrap it in bacon.
The Infinite Cat Project
Presented by Mike Stanfill, Private Hand