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kitten attack

I Survived A Kitten Attack

While in college, I lived in a house that I rented (with a few other roommates). This house was next to a vacant lot. Well, the lot was vacant of a house, though it was home to a stray cat.

I knew the (human) neighbor prior to moving in, and on Sundays we would grill out behind his house on his large stone/brick grill. One particular Sunday we were visited by a momma cat and a few feral kittens. These adorable baby animals were very shy, and would run if you stood up. But hunger quickly overcame shyness, and they would eat any scraps you threw to them.

Over the next few Sundays a cautious trust was established between the cats and us. One little black kitten in particular was hardly shy at all. This one black kitten caught my eye, and I made up my mind to “rescue” it.

A week or two later, I have the day off work, and I’m hanging out at my house in my pajama pants and a t-shirt. I had a busy day planned of playing video games and grilling meat. I step out on my front porch and fire up my grill. Before I’m done cooking, my little visitors show up for a free meal. Only this time the mother is nowhere to be seen.

Now is my chance.

I place a “bread crumb” trail of cat treats from the stairs to up the porch to where I’m standing.
Leading the way is the little black kitten. Ninja fast I grab my new little kitten.

And then it happens…

My last lucid thought was that my cat, Retzen, was about to have a new playmate. That thought quickly changed.

The moment I touched this kitten (read: demon), it screams with a bloodlust howl never heard before by human ears. This howl empowers/buffs the kittens surrounding me and instantly they fluff up super saiyan style to twice their size.

Then they attack.

This is no kung-fu movie; they do not wait and attack me one at a time. They are as relentless as (fluffy) zombies, and never give me a moments rest.

One minute I’m grilling chicken. The next I have a severely lacerated forearm from a screaming kitten who has now morphed into a (still screaming) misengineered blender with the blades on the outside. Not only that… I’m being climbed, cut, clawed, pounced, ripped, bitten, scraped, scratched, mangled and eviscerated by a half dozen of its siblings.

Here I am, a full grown male in his 20’s and I’m being felled by mere claw and fur weighing half a pound each. So I go on the defensive. I tuck in the tiny, black, demon kitten with my right hand, so he can’t get away. With my left hand free, I start swatting away the other kittens attacking/climbing/besieging my legs.

Had I planned this ahead of time, I would have worn some sort of armor. Alas, this day my only armor is a thin pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would have this much trouble from a kitten.

Struggling for freedom, my captured kitten lands his killing blow. Tucked like a football, and drenched in my own blood, he wiggles free enough to bite what would normally be a pair of jeans. Oddly enough, this was the kitten’s lucky day. Rather than biting my leg, he grabs hold of my manhood through my pajama pants.

I now know this cat is pure, unadulterated evil.

It is now my turn to let out a howl of my own as I pull off the kitten still dangling by its teeth from my lower extremity. Once free of the circumcising beast, I chase the kittens off my porch, and run inside to tend my wounds.

The kittens were never seen again…

(Side note: How fast can you google what to do on the off chance a feral kitten teeth-pierces your Glans while currently bleeding from both of your forearms and hands?)

(tldr: I went to grab a kitten. It bit my dick.)

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