Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat.
To my animal loving friends/family!!
1. When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not
mean switch positions with each other so there are still two
of you in the way.
2. The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food.
All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note:
placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does
not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically
pleasing in any way.)
3. The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't
help because I fall faster than you can run.
4. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate
your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually
curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular
to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
5. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
6. For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone.
If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob,
or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.
(Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine
or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
7. When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to
make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone
or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes
other family members laugh.
8. Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and
whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I
find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering
only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
9. Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not
a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking
up the most disgusting hairball in history.
10. Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick
yourself. I cannot stress this enough.
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are
easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money,
never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink
or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.