Cat #1240: Tagore watching
Ogden gnashing Bean...
TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL IN TWENTY EASY STEPS
1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow
as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to
2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding
pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Drop pill into mouth.
Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.
3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen,
wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat,
noticing the direction it runs.
4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Scoot across
floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the
kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to
back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
ten. Drop pill into mouth.
5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick
up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can.
6. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of closet. Call
spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply
cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed,
force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one
cup of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel.
Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.
16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his
head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill
off of counter.
17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats
can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel
around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this
time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop
pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).
18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin
and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill
19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy
water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for
20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
The Infinite Cat Project
Presented by Mike Stanfill, Private Hand